A recent trawl through the internet revealed that there are a lot of people who have a lot of time on their hands. The number of innovative, novel, or just plain crazy ideas to protect a car from theft or vandalism was surprisingly high. Some will no doubt give you a good chuckle, while others will have you scratching your head wondering why you hadn’t thought of it first, and still others will have you grimacing.

• An electrical deterrent that would shock the unauthorized defender with about 50,000 volts of juice. The “inventor” is still trying to decide whether or not to release the ZAP upon unauthorized entry or when the car is started; he’s also consulting with a defense attorney to determine whether or not he’ll be charged with manslaughter if his invention accidentally short circuits a pacemaker.

• The auto taser offer similar features, but first alerts the thief with an ear splitting siren. If the thief is hearing impaired and doesn’t hear the siren, a back-up system will deploy, with the expectation that he’ll be dissuaded from stealing the car by a 50,000 volt taser blast.

• The application of a quick hardening adhesive gel that would have the would-be perpetrator “stuck” to the car until such time as a special solution is applied that would dissolve the glue-like substance. Only police officers would carry the solution.

• A system whereby a noxious odor or body irritant is sprayed out of hidden nozzles; intended to produce disorientation and discomfort. Patent approved, by the way.

• A flame-thrower/blaster that shoots out flame at the touch of a pedal; this would be in used for an attempted carjacking incident. Currently, this type of security is available only in South Africa.

Have no doubt, though, that some of these crazy ideas are not only illegal, but in some cases, deadly. Don’t try these at home!